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Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
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3:02 pm - From Today's FAIL Blog:
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| Friday, November 13th, 2009
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6:14 pm - Save The Date!
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| Saturday, August 25th, 2007
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5:56 pm - It's On Like Red Dawn
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Picture this:
It is Saturday night. You are hanging out at the bar with some friends. You take a sip of your beer, but it tastes flat. Lifeless. You are on your third, and you don't even feel buzzed. Your girl has had three black orchids in the last hour and she is stone cold sober. Suddenly you notice that your friend, with whom you have been having a conversation for the last 20 minutes, has had his pants unzipped and his nuts hanging out for the entire time, but you don't laugh or even smirk, and neither does he. The bar is quiet.
What is happening? Is this some terrible nightmare?
No. It is REAL, and it will happen to you TONIGHT if you are at any location other than Mercury. You see, DJ Krass (Brian) is moving to Texas soon and so Hana Solo (Heather) is sharing her Saturday night, tonight, with him and DJ ILL (Me, idiot), and this event will suck in all of the Drunk and Stupid within a 70 mile radius. We will be kicking it 'old-as-dirt' style and pulling out the stacks of wax. So mosey on down and rapidly consume alcohol with us, listen to music that will bring back a flood of best forgotten drug-crazed memories, point and laugh openly at the goths who are upset because they didn't know this event was going on, cry in the alley for an hour over some shit you won't even remember, and get tore up around people who will make you look civilized. See you in three hours.
-J
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(16 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 20th, 2007
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10:58 pm - Share
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A couple of noteworthy events events at work today:
Early in the day while making my way to the store entrance, a car pulls up to the sidewalk and a girl who looked barely 21 with bleached hair and a lot of exposed cleavage hops out and hurries past me. A couple of minutes later, I exit the store and go back around the side of the building when I look down and am confronted by about a yard and a half of plumber's crack. The girl is crouched down between the dumpsters with her face inches above the pavement, retching. When I came out again later, I discovered that she had neatly deposited a fairly sizable mound of vomit. It must have given off quite an enticing bouquet, because some crows came by and gobbled up the whole pile. Despite the chundering incident, that chick was totally my type; dressed like a slut and wasted by 10:49 on a Monday morning.
Then, I found this little tidbit in the paper:
10 pounds of horse meat, whipped cream and a carrot? Sounds shockingly similar to a birthday I spent...
...in Tijuana.
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 10th, 2006
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8:59 am - An opportunity for stupid
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A reminder to those I told and a heads-up to them what don't know squat:
Tonight is Heather's (DJ Hana Solo's) birthday and as she wants to spend some of the night having fun and not working, she has enlisted Krass and I to help with the DJing duties. Huh-huh. Doody. We shall play whatever we feel like, and that's old shit. The stacks of wax. This will also be a rare opportunity to see us drunk, so come on down to the Mercury. Tonight.
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(16 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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7:27 pm - Chris/Krass 2006
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| Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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5:59 pm - Happy Thanksgiving kids!
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| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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10:49 pm - R.I.P. Superman
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| Saturday, August 7th, 2004
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7:56 pm - Pictures of Jessica
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| Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
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11:20 am - Your eyes are a toilet, and I have to shit
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Reading is stupid, so I'll keep this brief:
To Darren & Cyn: Congratulations. If you two were able to come to terms with the glaring homosexuality that occurred at the bachelor party, then it's comparatively smooth sailing from here on in. Up until she sees the video.
To Brian: Dude, that fucking sucks. I have no good narcotics to offer you at this time, but I think you earned a couple of free drinks at the very least. Damn, dude.
And now, pretty, pretty pictures:
I have uploaded pictures from the infamous bachelor party. There are no naked sausage factory pool pictures because I used the wrong flash setting and I was, eventually, in the pool as well. However, you will see:
* Alcoholics in their natural habitat
* Stupidity
* Rock stars
* Urine
* Behavior unbecoming of a groom-to-be
* Some more stupidity
AM CLICKITA PLZ
Sadly, the batteries in the camera gave up the ghost just before the cake incident.
Also, I have access to a scanner now, which can only mean one thing:
YOU SUFFER
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 13th, 2004
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7:42 am - I still have an erection
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Check it:
The Skinny Puppy show was sick. Stupid phat. Philthy. Off tha hizzo. Fo rizzo. My nizzo. Jeah. Uh.
There is a reason they are my favorite band, ever.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 29th, 2004
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2:30 am - Must go to sleeeeep... Sooooooooooooonnnn...
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| Sunday, May 16th, 2004
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7:41 am
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004
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2:37 am - Wheez abousta storm tha Mix-A-Lot show
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| Saturday, May 8th, 2004
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4:35 pm - I made a funny
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Not five minutes ago, I heard a knock upon my door. When I opened it, I beheld a short, clean cut young man in a suit. He said to me: "Hi. I'm with so-and-so newly opened pizza joint down the street and we are running a promotion in the neighborhood..."
It is at this point that I interrupted him.
"Oooohhhh... I'm sorry. I've stopped poisoning my body with food."
As I closed the door on him, he said "Wellllll, wha... what do you eat then?"
THE END
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 3rd, 2004
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5:41 am - Easter pictures
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| Saturday, May 1st, 2004
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8:46 pm - In front of god and EVERYTHING!!!
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Laura and Dave done got married today and everything went off without a hitch, unless you count them getting hitched...
HAW!HAW!HAW!HAW!HAW!HAW!!!
What? You don't like my funny?
Fine.
I dug your mother up and fucked her.
The entire wedding party should be out tonight at Mercury. Come give mad props, yo.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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6:54 pm - TONIGHT, BISH!!!
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| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
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4:39 am
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Let's see...
Thursday: Pixies @ Commodore ballroom in Vancouver, B.C.
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC show. The Commodore Ballroom is one of the best venues I have ever seen. Mad love to Jen for hauling me up there. I had forgotten how much I love that city. Good company, good clubs, good times. Did I mention that the Pixies ruled?
Friday: Returned in time to open for JQ @ Mercury.
I gloated like a motherfucker to all within earshot.
Saturday: Stayed the fuck home.
Sunday: See above.
Monday: Worked @ 8:00 a.m.
Then it was off to see Kraftwerk, the folks who pretty much invented all of the music I listen to. They owned that crowd. That's how you do electronic music, bitch. Briefly saw my boy Steve from Spokane.
Tuesday: Worked @ 6:00 a.m.
Jesus jumped-up Christ that's early. Went to Mercury and hung out with Steve and his companions.
I was going to be more verbose and clever, but then I wasn't, so hows about you eat my shit.
Wednesday: Tonight I am doing my usual crap @ Mercury, so come down and spend some money. I win because I get your cash, you win because you get liver damage. Everybody happy.
Thursday: 04.29.04(Thursday) - That Total Age! Join dj Ill and myself for a night of classic gothic/industrial! Lots of anthems, and early EBM oontz!
Heather @ I are going to school your ass. Like the time I got in my first high speed chase. I was in the blue IROC. I had the cops on my jock. 'Cause I was poppin' shotz @ niggaz on tha next block, nigga.
More updates later when the 'scripts have worn off...
I have Easter pics...
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 29th, 2004
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6:42 pm - PLZ FOR YOU TO BE READING NOW KTHX
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Today was supposed to be smooth as shit from a duck's ass. Seven hours. The cooks were going to bust out the food we made yesterday and feed 1600 people, while the temps prepped for the 1600 coming in tomorrow. But wait... That's right! God hates me! Another twelve hour shift! The second in three days! With our starting time four hours earlier each day! I got up at 3:30 a.m. today! Huzzah! Well, at least when I get my big paycheck I'll be able to afford a gun with which to kill myself.
In more jovial news: EASTER
Due to work craziness and plain ol' pedestrian laziness, I will not have some official invites to my annual easter party for a couple of days. It is, however, on like Tron, so plant this seed in the back of your mind:
EVIL DEAD EASTER FEAST 10 (yes, that's ten consecutive years folks)
APRIL 11TH, EASTER SUNDAY 2:00pm - 9-ish
I will post/email/give to you directly invites and details soon.
Riddle me this, ghetto sled driver: Why would you purchase a phat system and roll down your windows just to bump some sissified smooth jazz/e-z listening crap, without a hint of irony?
Speaking of cruising down the Ave. with the fresh, fly beats, the Collide remixes are up! Dj Ill and Kuru in tha hizzaouse!!!
Thanks again to all of the remixers for being part of VORTEX.
Sound samples are now up. http://www.collide.net/vortex/
There are full clips of the remix contest and partial clips of the ones that
made it to the CD.
Please spread the word =).
Thanks again.
collide
xcollide@aol.com
www.collide.net
p.o. 565
North Hollywood, CA
91603
BOO-YAA!!! Ours is the 'Paradigm of Shadows' remix of the song 'Complicated'. Just one more reason for you to want to slob my johnson.
And now I shall retire to the couch to play a game that I like to call "Drink as Many Beers as Possible as Rapidly as Possible Before I Pass Out from Exhaustion."
Merry christmas.
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(23 comments | comment on this)
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